Ask A Chocolate Nut

16 Sep

We at Emily’s know that our nuts are superior to other nuts, but many of the general public are unaware of that fact. So we thought we would open up one of our brightest nuts to questions from our customers. Today we have a very special cashew that we have covered with chocolate and set in a room with a laptop. How does a cashew know how to use a computer? We have no idea, we were as surprised as you were.

Q: Dear Chocolate Nut,

My husband leaves hair in the sink every time he shaves. I point it out, I ask him to clean it up, but it’s like he’s not listening to me and now I’m at a point of exasperation. What should I do?

Sincerely,

A Hairy Situation

P.S. I love your chocolate covered blueberries.

A: Dear AHS,

Well, since nuts don’t have hair, I have no idea. I mean, not all nuts are hairless. Coconuts have hair, but they’re not really nuts. I don’t know what they are. They’re sort of a tropical abomination masquerading as a nut if you ask me. You know what? I’m going to Wikipedia and check if I’m right. Just a sec….Yup, I’m right, not…a…nut.

I don’t want to leave you hanging though, so my suggestion is to gather all of your husband’s sink hair and put it in a sandwich for him. I know that’s extreme, but it gets the point across, plus it would be absolutely hilarious. Make sure you have a camera on you when you tell him and send the photo to me…that is, if I’m not eaten by then.

Hope this helps and doesn’t end in divorce.

P.S. Chocolate covered blueberries are a great antioxidant. I see the blueberries around the factory sometimes, but I don’t really know them though. I’ve tried talking to them, but they’re sort of “clickish” if you know what I mean.

Q: Dear Chocolate Nut,

I’m a wedding planner and always have chocolate covered espresso beans on the table in order to cleanse the guest’s palate between courses. But lately I’ve been thinking of making a switch. Can you suggest something?

Sincerely,

Wedding Perfection

A: Dear WP,

As my grandfather used to say (also a simple cashew who was elevated to chocolatedome):

“Never send in a berry to do a legume’s job.”

First, let me commend you on the bold move of using espresso beans to cleanse guest’s palates. But you’re right, unless you’ve paired the meal with a nice red wine; it may be a little heavy. What you need is something just slightly lighter such as a chocolate covered macadamia nut. You may be asking yourself how I know these things.

Well, I just got married myself last month to a lovely cashew that happens to be a male model. He’s been featured in all of the great fashion magazines, Bon Appetite, Gourmet, Food & Wine…look at me going on and on about him like a school-nut. My point is that we had mint chocolate cookies on the table at our wedding. I don’t know, we just figured having chocolate nuts would have been a little weird. It was a hit though, so you might want to try that too.

Q: Dear Chocolate Nut,

I actually have two questions. You see, whenever I eat assorted nuts my throat constricts and I need to be taken to the hospital. I’ve been rushed to the hospital 12 times this month alone for eating nuts. My first question is, why do nuts HATE me? My second question is, can I eat you?

Sincerely,

Nutty Nut Nut

A: Dear NNN,

When I first read this letter I thought to myself, “now there’s a dedicated connoisseur of nuts,” until someone pointed out to me that you probably didn’t get much of a chance to actually taste the nut before someone was shoving a tube down your throat. Then I thought, “perhaps the nuts DO hate you,” but after a few minutes of introspective soul searching I figured that was just impossible. Now I’m suspecting that it’s not us nut’s fault, but the hospital’s fault.

They happen upon an obviously intelligent, nut-loving individual like yourself and they suddenly start seeing dollar signs and…oh wait, someone just told me that you were probably allergic to nuts and that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

Wow, this is embarrassing. I hate to see someone with such blatant psychological issues and need for attention that they would have to accuse you of being allergic and an insane person in order to crow-bar their way into MY article. Frankly, it’s a little pathetic. As I was saying, the hospital is probably conspiring against you and over the course of next month, after eating nuts, you should try a variety of hospitals until one finally admits that it’s their fault.

Good luck!!

P.S. – If it turns out you are actually allergic to nuts, please stop eating nuts…except coconuts. Apparently those imposters only hurt people using gravity.

P.S.S. – Yes you can eat me.

Hey, look at what we have:

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