When Should I NOT Eat Chocolate?

24 Sep

Do you remember when you were a little kid, sitting in the corner, pouting, glaring at your parents, and thinking, “When I grow up I’m going to eat chocolate all the time.” Perhaps you took it a little further, observed society as a whole, and wondered why all other foods weren’t merely a supplement to chocolate. You did? Okay, see, that’s why we should totally be friends on facebook.

As kindred spirits, then you are like me and get a little irritated when society puts these weird rules on us as to when we’re all supposed to be eating chocolate. We’re adults (for the most part), and can make our own decisions now (most of the time)! No one is going to tell US when we can and can’t eat chocolate. However, like most things, reason gets in the way and there ARE actually times when we cannot/should not eat chocolate.

When Should I NOT Eat Emily’s Chocolate?

When something else is in your mouth – Now, this rule does not apply when there is something in your mouth that would go with chocolate such as fruit, marsh mellows, more chocolate, etc. But to stay alive, you must consume other foods that aren’t so great with chocolate such as salad or BLT sandwiches. Take it from us, if those things were good in your mouth at the same time as chocolate, we would have already covered them and offered them on the website.

When you are choking – If you are choking, 9 out of 10 medical professionals will recommend not eating anything else until you take care of the obstruction (and that 10th medical professional probably didn’t understand the question because you asked it while you were choking). This is a dilemma that many a chocolate lovers experience because, what if you are choking on a piece of chocolate? We understand, but let’s rationalize this: 1) chocolate melts so there’s a chance you could survive until it melts in order not to waste it and 2) chocolate would never do anything to hurt you. Yet, there you are turning blue. We recommend you seek immediate medical attention, because, though eating chocolate has made you feel better in the past, probably not in this instance.

When someone else is eating that same piece of chocolate you feel you should be eating – I know, I know. You’re watching their mouth move. You know the chocolate is in there. Is it fair? No…no it isn’t. But it is what it is. You could tackle them and force them to spit it out, but really, what does that achieve? Yes, chocolate…but is half eaten chocolate really what you want? This doesn’t seem to be getting through. Okay, try not to hurt them.

When the chocolate is evidence in an ongoing investigation – You’re sitting in the jury box and the chocolate is sitting on the evidence table next to the knife, rope, duct tape, and crime scene photos. Boy, does it look good just lying there. You could probably ask the judge to send the evidence into the jury room for “closer examination.” Do you think they’d notice? Maybe if you left half…still…only a bite would mean you’re tampering with evidence. And then there’s the fact that someone’s future could be at stake. But what about YOUR future, i.e., your chocolate future? This is an ethical dilemma that all chocolate lovers must face at one point or another…or not.

The 5 second rule – You have probably heard of the five second rule, but if you haven’t, it is a concept that the faster you retrieve food after it has dropped on the floor, the lower the chance that it will pick up bacteria, generally in about 5 seconds. This idea has since been confirmed, but still, bacteria gets on it and no amount of blowing will adequately clean it. This is when we revisit the benefits of chocolate:

Fact – Bacteria is a oxidant.

Fact – Chocolate is an antioxidant.

See? They cancel each other out. Of course, this depends on the cleanliness of the floor or whether it is a floor at all and actually “the ground.” Yes, the ground is LIKE a floor, but not the same. Also, we all count 5 seconds differently. Some say “thousand” or “Mississippi” between their numbers, but how ever you cut it, you should just leave it there or throw it away. (Yes, it’s perfectly fine to cry over spilled chocolate.)

Sleeping – Sleep experts say that sleeping and eating is a bad idea. However, I have this theory: sleeping with a piece of chocolate slowly melting you my mouth could potentially induce the most awesome dream ever. There are a couple of things holding me back from trying this. One is the thought of having someone watching me while I sleep to make sure I don’t choke, regardless of whether it’s my husband or not, just sort of creeps me out. Another is what it will do the pillowcases. I have old pillow cases that I could try this with, but what if it seeps through? The brown stains on the pillow are just too much for me to handle. Sure, they’re covered with another pillow case, but I’m aware they’re there. I don’t know, it just sounds like a big hassle, but feel free to try it (only under creepy observation).

During a dentist appointment – Dentists generally frown upon their patients eating chocolate during the examination. You’re trying to enjoy a delicious Emily’s chocolate and they’re standing there with their little hooked sprayer thingy, ruining it. Frankly, it’s just rude, am-I-right? So we recommend, instead of fighting it, just leave the chocolate in your purse until they are done with all of the scraping, spraying, and drilling. It’s probably better for your teeth anyway. Well…that’s what we can tell ourselves.

Emily’s Chocolate is Really Great Anytime

We’re not kidding here when we say that there isn’t a moment that isn’t good for Emliy’s chocolate. Think about it, we mentioned some times above, but they’re all just really annoying times, not totally prohibitive (except the choking part, we really mean that one). The next time you are somewhere in a situation that may be “inappropriate” to eat chocolate, try popping a chocolate covered blueberry and see what happens. I’ll tell you what will happen, nothing. But if something does happen, we’re sorry. Being an adult is not all it’s cracked up to be sometimes.

We have lots of yummy stuff:

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