No Romance, No Chocolate, No Service

10 Oct

If you’re anything like me, I don’t think there’s enough romance around this place, and by this place, I mean wherever I am. My husband has the capacity to be romantic. I know, I’ve witnessed it. But it seems he’s been suffering from an early onset of romance dementia lately that’s getting to the point of being terminal. I’d have him committed, but he’s handy with a lawn mower.

I don’t think the problem is a lack of motivation, but a lack of imagination. He has an idea of how to be romantic, but it’s limited. Sort of like how I know that escargot exists and tastes good, but the blissful ignorance of how to prepare it keeps me from the unpleasant business of touching snails. That’s my hubby and romance right there.

As I mentioned, a lack of imagination is part of the problem, but what we want to avoid is my husband thinking to himself, “What would I think was romantic?” The reason is because his idea of romance doesn’t qualify as romantic unless he was romancing one of his drinking buddies (a disturbing thought in itself). First, we need to define things that aren’t romantic in most cases because the process of elimination seems to help clarify things.

Not Romantic

BBQing – Don’t get me wrong, I like BBQ’d food. I also like it when my husband cooks. Neither of those things are a particular turn on to me, they’re more of a pleasant distraction from normality. If you are a man reading this, perhaps ask yourself, “what is my wife’s favorite food?” Answer: chocolate. Then ask, “can I BBQ chocolate?” Answer: of all of the things in this world that are wrong, that’s close to the top.

Golf – Golf is the opposite of romance. I want to wear heels and not sweat when I do romantic things. Lack of heels isn’t a deal breaker, but being all sweaty is. And the tiny car…nothing romantic has ever been arrived to in a tiny electric golf cart.

Love declarations on Jumbotron – As awesome as letting 60,000 people know how much I am loved is, spontaneously showing me on a 20 foot screen holding a brick of curly fries is frankly embarrassing. They say that television adds 10 pounds, but when your head is the size of a minivan, I would say it’s more like 2000 lbs.

Taverns – I don’t like to judge, this is purely a personal preference, but I find quaint wine bars or cozy pubs far more romantic than places with pull-tabs and taxidermy lining the walls. Romance, to me, is a nice glass of wine with some chocolate in a place devoid of men betting on pool and Tom Petty blaring in the background…nothing against Tom Petty…I’m getting in over my head here. Lets move on.

Some Romantic Ideas

Chocolate and dressing up Getting dressed in cute stuff and going someplace nice is the cornerstone of romance. Why? Because I get a chance to look freaking awesome and the guy doesn’t look too shabby either. All you have to do is ask yourself, “where do nicely dressed people go?” Then we go there and eat chocolate at some point. How hard is that?

Chocolate and a show This is the next level of romance. Go see a play or an opera or something. It’s not something you do everyday and there is a ton to talk about afterwards. There’s nothing better than chocolate and a little culture every once in a while…whether we were able to follow the plot or not.

Chocolate and dancing Are you seeing a pattern here? The problem with this one is that it can potentially poop us out before pending activities later and that’s why the chocolate is so crucial, because it gives that vital energy to keep on going. Okay, I have to admit, my husband’s dancing looks more like he’s being attacked by bees rather than moving to music. There is little-to-nothing sexy about it, but I find his intent very stimulating.

Chocolate and a long weekend Running off for the weekend and staying in a little bed and breakfast with a view and some chocolate is the pinnacle of romance. However, if you’re anything like me, there IS such a thing as too much romance. Two days and two nights of straight romance is pretty much my threshold until I start looking in guide books for the local attractions. That’s what makes the weekend tryst so perfect.

The Three Pillars of Romance

1)    Surprise – Surprises denote planning. There is nothing more romantic than planning. Little surprises along the way after the big surprise are even better. And guys, if you made some kind of list, you might want to frame it. I know if my husband made a list, that thing would go up on the wall.

2)    Undivided Attention – That’s right, total focus is a very important part of this whole romance business. Listening, eye contact, and compliments are crucial to the whole experience…and if you’re a guy, you’re probably not even still reading this paragraph, but if you are, congrats.

3)    Chocolate – If chocolate is not involved in the process either in the beginning, during, or at the end, you have absolutely dropped the ball. And to go a little further with the sports analogy, what happens when you drop the ball? You get sidelined and that sideline generally resides in the living room…have fun.

We’ve learned a lot about romance today. This is certainly not a full tome of the subject, just some light perspectives to get the ball rolling. Now it’s time to print out this blog post and set it in the bathroom because if your hubby is anything like mine, that’s a place of learning and reflection. Good luck!

Our pre-romance chocolate suggestions:

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