Like Monsters For Chocolate

27 Oct

Forget Halloween, when I was a kid I thought there was a monster under my bed all year round. It was a cross between a blob and werewolf…sort of a hairy smooshy type thing with fangs and galoshes (don’t ask me, I was six at the time). One day I told my brother about it and he said he’d check it out. He looked and found nothing. The next night I happily put my nightgown on and started climbing into bed when suddenly the monster grabbed my ankle and started dragging me under the bed. It was horrific. As you might have guessed, the monster was my brother. Though I love him, I have yet to forgive him for that.

Out of this life-altering trauma, even Halloween episodes of the Simpsons freak me out. I came to the conclusion that I cannot stop monsters from getting me without plying them with something that I love, namely, chocolate. Since then I kept a piece of chocolate on my bed stand every night. Of course, as I became older, more mature, and rational I began to realize that not all monsters like the same types of chocolate.

So I did some research and below are the results (note: “data” and “facts” are based on stuff I made up since my research yielded nothing).

What Emily’s Chocolates Protect Against What Monsters?

For a monster, liking chocolate is secondary to their favorite foods consisting primarily of children and 19th century peasants. Since this is the case, it is very lucky for me that I am now a fully grown woman with only a very small chance of dying of the plague. However, there are still monsters to contend with and the key is to know what kind of chocolate they like and, most importantly, have it on hand.

Mummies – Not all Mummies are from ancient Egypt, but the cursed ones are. That’s why it’s important to know what kind of fruits and nuts they had in ancient Egypt. Luckily I do and that’s why I have a bag of chocolate covered cherries and chocolate covered almonds on hand.

How to feed a mummy chocolate: Everything you need to know about mummies is in the movies. I chose the Abbott and Costello for my research and found that mummies A) do not come from under beds, but from the second scariest place in the bedroom – closets — and B) are painfully slow. So my strategy is to let the mummy chase me around the bed a few times, look into the camera comically, and throw a handful of the chocolate into his mouth as he’s letting out his long drawn out mummy moan.

Vampires – If Twilight or Tru Blood has shown us anything, it’s that you don’t run from vampires, you date them. But those aren’t the types of Vampires that are going to visit me or you, nope, it’s the REAL vampires. I’m talking about the scary ones with the cool capes and all of the “blaw-blaw-blaw”-ing. Through my research I found that vampires love chocolate because of the original vampire, the mysterious Count Chocula.

How to feed a vampire chocolate: Count Chocula taught us mortals that they will eat chocolate before they eat you. So my strategy is to feed the next vampire I encounter chocolate covered espresso beans so that they will stay up from all of the caffeine way past their bedtime and burn to death as the sun comes up. Well…that’s the theory anyway…this was well explained in Interview with the Vampire.

Witches – They just need to wiggle their noses to get all of the chocolate they want. If they’re in your closet or under your bed, then they are probably stealing your clothing and shoes.

How to feed a witch chocolate: Give it to them and they won’t cast a curse on you hopefully.

Werewolves – The chances that a werewolf will jump through your window are minuscule since they prefer to hunt in the woods, but keep in mind that they ARE naked howling men, so I wouldn’t put it past them. If this does happen, one thing I know for a fact is that chocolate is to werewolves what kryptonite is to Superman. Why? Because werewolves are dogs and chocolate and dogs don’t mix.

How to feed werewolves chocolate: One thing you need to know is that peanut butter will keep a dog occupied forever. Another thing you need to know is that, like dogs, they’ll eat anything in crunchy cookie form. That’s why I suggest you throw it a chocolate covered peanut butter cookie. Once the thing is done licking the peanut butter from the top of its mouth, it’ll be dead. If the werewolf actually turns out to be your overly-hairy husband then don’t worry, perhaps the peanut butter will keep him from snoring so loudly. We discourage you from trying this on actual dogs, but if they’re crawling through your window, chocolate may be your only defense (that..and running).

Aliens – One of my biggest fears in life is to be abducted by aliens. Particularly those little grey aliens with the big heads and obsidian black eyes. My fear doesn’t come from the fact that they might impregnate me with an alien-human hybrid; I already have one of those, he’s going into third grade this year. I’m not even afraid of a long trip into the emptiness of space. It sounds a lot more relaxing than where we went on vacation last year, Disneyland (the loudest place on Earth). Nope, my fear stems from the fact that I have no idea whether aliens eat chocolate.

How to feed aliens chocolate: Since I have no clues as to how or what kind of chocolate aliens eat, I suggest you use the chocolate to trick them long enough for you to get away. Here’s some suggestions:

  • Take a bunch of chocolate covered strawberries, stick them in the microwave for five seconds until they’re just smooshy enough to form into a ball. Hand the big ball to the alien and say, “This is my brain, you can have it,” then run.
  • Stick a chocolate covered cherry to your sleeping husband’s forehead and yell, “Take him! He’s got a third eye!”
  • Spread a bunch of chocolate blueberries under the window. They’re round. When the aliens climb through they’ll slip because even though they’ve mastered the ability to travel hundreds of light years through space, they most likely can’t overcome a blueberry trap.

Protect Yourself From Monsters This Halloween

I know that the thought of giving monsters chocolate so that they won’t eat your face is somewhat unsavory, but it must be done, because they exist and nothing is going to change that. They also love Halloween because they can blend in and not be noticed, so keep your chocolate close. We care about your safety.



One Response to “Like Monsters For Chocolate”

  1. William Maltese October 28, 2011 at 4:19 pm #

    Fun blog … that just “went” with the season! Can’t say more, because I’m too busy eating Emily’s chocolates.

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